with each day that goes by i am finding it harder and harder to ignore who i want to become. i don’t know fully who they are yet, but something in my heart is out of place and it is desperate to be freed..
i need to build up the confidence to talk to my parents about this, but in every moment of free time i get too nervous. the words seem too scary: i struggle to form them. i just know that something is wrong but i am struggling to express it to myself, nevermind to others. my body just doesn’t fit. i’ve never really fit in to be honest; i’ve always been different or out of place. i don’t have any friends who are the same agab (assigned gender at birth) as me and can’t relate to anyone of my biological sex.. really i think in my heart i know who i need to be, but admitting it is the hardest part. each day this is the first thing on my mind as i wake up and what keeps me up at night when i’m trying to rest. i need to find the courage from somewhere because i cannot ignore this. i wish i could sometimes but i can’t run from myself.. i need to face it and try to understand who i truly am. like a caterpillar into a butterfly. it doesn’t have to be scary, it can be beautiful.
i found a picture of little me in a shoebox in my room. i have on a sweet little pink dress. i think younger me was more confident than i am now.. they were never afraid to show the world exactly who they are. i hope little me can hear me. if they can, i hope they’ll send me some of their courage and guide me. ♡ i’ll need it.
i think that this also links into my 12h sun placement. feeling like i don’t fit in anywhere, like my true purpose is not understood, feeling like i am not truly seen: it’s all traits of the 12h sun placement. everything that i’ve researched about the 12th house sun resonates with me completely.. the idea of the brightest parts of yourself being shrouded in darkness and being hidden away (12h represents the hidden things in life) i feel like could represent my identity. maybe my identity is currently hidden in darkness, but, eventually, it will burst into the light like my sun entering 1h. i think that’s really beautiful, don’t you? (o^^o)♪
“people with 12h sun placements are often confused inside and identity wise because their sun itself is confused.. perhaps the juxtaposition of the sun and light next to what the 12 represents creates this confusion in people” ~ me on my private twitter expressing these same thoughts last week.
so maybe i need to just leave this in the hands of the cosmos. i hope the universe will guide me towards my designated path. i have faith. ✉️ Sparkle
♪ sweet carolina - lana del rey
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